Dough Boy Gone
Sad News.....
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins...
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Subject: A PIN DROP At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country. |
25 Great Truths
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle....
All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:
** Pythagorean theorem: ....................................................24 words.
** Lord's Prayer: .................................................................66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ....................................................67 words.
** 10 Commandments: .......................................................179 words.
** Gettysburg address: ........................................................286 words.
** Declaration of...
The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to
harm this old body, I've devised the following:
Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire
Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot...
20 Tips for a Positive New Year
1. Stay Positive. You can listen to the cynics and doubters and believe that success is impossible or you can know that with faith and an optimistic attitude all things are possible.
2. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement: My purpose is_______________________.
3. Take a morning walk of gratitude. It will create a fertile mind ready for success.
4. Instead of being disappointed about where you are think optimistically about where you are going.
5. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
6. Transform...
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh?
Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check
to...
Funny Engineering Equations (Thanks Tom K.)
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel
and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers...
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally!...
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